Blame has the ick factor: Here's why it signals poor leadership

Let's talk about something that gives most of us the ick—the strong, internal cringe that signals something's off.

Blame—that knee-jerk, point-the-finger reaction when things don't go as planned—is more than just an interpersonal nuisance; it's a pervasive issue in many workplaces. A survey conducted with over 1,000 U.S. workers revealed that 61% of employees have been "thrown under the bus" by colleagues, highlighting the prevalence of blame-shifting behavior in organizational cultures. 

Consider these common deflections:

• "They didn't give me what I needed."​
• "They dropped the ball."​
• "If only they had …"

What do these statements have in common? They all center around "they"—not "me."

Each one shifts the focus outward, placing responsibility (and often blame) on someone or something else. This pattern is subtle but powerful. It creates distance between the person speaking and the outcome. And in leadership, that distance can be costly.

When accountability is outsourced, growth stalls. Trust erodes. Ownership disappears. 

ACT Leadership, in partnership with Brown University School of Professional Studies, provides insights and practical tips on the issue from its leadership coaching research and experience. 

Blame might feel like a momentary release—like tossing away discomfort before it settles in—but it's a reactive move. It's what we do when we can't be with the tension of something going wrong. When the discomfort of failure, uncertainty, or vulnerability feels too close, blame becomes the escape hatch.

But reactive leadership keeps us stuck. It protects ego, not impact. It's focused on control, not possibility. Blame is more than avoidance—it's a signal that something within us feels too uncomfortable to face. And rather than sit with that discomfort, we project it outward.

Why It's So Easy to Point the Finger

Blame is easy. Reflexive, even. And there's a reason for that.

It's a self-protective instinct. When something goes wrong, your brains work hard to avoid the discomfort of failure, shame, or criticism. Pointing the finger helps us dodge that pain and preserve our sense of self—at least in the short term.

Neuroscience backs this up: Blame activates the brain's threat response. The amygdala lights up under perceived attack—whether from others or ourselves. Shifting blame outward is a quick way to feel safer.

But what feels safe in the moment can sabotage trust, growth, and integrity over time.

Blame gives the illusion of control by offloading responsibility. But real leadership comes from ownership. Not taking the fall for everything—just recognizing that your power lies in how you choose to respond.

True leadership means being responsible for your impact, not just your intentions. It's asking: How did my actions land? and What's needed now?

When we lead with awareness and integrity, we shift from reactive to creative. We stop trying to control the narrative—and start shaping it through accountability, empathy, and choice.

In low-trust environments, blame thrives. When people don't feel safe to fail and learn, mistakes get hidden, truth gets buried, and decisions are made without the facts. As Psychology Today put it: "When mistakes are punished or judged harshly, blaming becomes a survival strategy."

So yes—blame is human. But in leadership, it's a habit we must outgrow.

The Role of Leadership Coaching

High performers. Change-makers. Founders. Executives. People in positions of influence—driving results, inspiring teams, leading with vision. And yet, even at the highest levels, it's common to see responsibility outsourced the moment pressure rises.

Why?

Because many leaders have unconsciously tied their identity to being successful, in control, and certain. When something goes wrong, it doesn't just disrupt outcomes—it shakes the foundation of how they see themselves. And that internal disruption? It's often too uncomfortable to face directly.

So the reaction is fast and protective: blame. This is reactive leadership—ego-driven, control-seeking, and focused on avoiding vulnerability. It diverts attention outward, toward what (or who) went wrong, instead of inward, where deeper insight and growth reside.

This is where leadership coaching becomes transformational.  We can't always make the shift ourselves. 

Leadership coaching begins with awareness—the space to pause, to observe patterns, and to name what's really happening beneath the surface. From there, leaders access choice: the ability to shift from reaction to response, from blame to responsibility, from control to creativity.

Robert Kegan, a renowned psychologist specializing in adult development, emphasizes that true growth involves transitioning from a socialized mind, which is shaped by external expectations, to a self-authoring mind, where individuals define their own beliefs and values. This evolution enables leaders to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively, fostering authentic and effective leadership.

Because here's the scoop: How a leader responds under pressure says more about their leadership than how they perform when everything's going smoothly.

The move from reactive to creative leadership isn't just a mindset—it's an identity shift. And coaching is the container that makes that shift possible.

The Ick Is Actually a Signal

That ick you feel when someone passes the buck? Or when you catch yourself doing it?

That's not just a reaction—it's a signal. A tap on the shoulder from your inner integrity.

It's saying:

Be brave enough to look inward.
Be honest enough to own your part.

Be bold enough to lead from responsibility, not reactivity.

This work isn't easy—but it's essential.

Final Thoughts

The shift from reactive to creative leadership doesn't happen overnight. It takes support. It takes intention. And most of all—it takes courage.

Coaching is the space where that courage is cultivated. Where leaders reconnect with who they are beneath the performance. Where blame is replaced with responsibility. And where the real work of transformation begins.

If something in you is stirred by the ick, pay attention.
It might just be your leadership calling you forward.